Sunday, 17 January 2010

Bulls**t translator

Journalism for the teenies. What they say and what it really means. Feel free to add your own.

Hyperlocal - Talking to people in the local area and getting stories from them. Just like we used to do when we had staff.

Web first - We really have no idea how to make money from the web but by banging up every story as soon as it is written eventually someone will write us a large cheque. Won't they?

Multi-tasking - Why can't you take pictures, do a video, write ten stories for both online and print editions, sub them, stick a headline on them, upload them and stick them on a page, get the teas on then deliver the paper on your way home? Lazy cunt.

Community correspondents - Curtain twitching wannabe journalists who lose interest once they realise they have to actually produce stuff on a regular basis.

Advertising downturn - What do you mean people want to read actual news stories in their local newspaper?

Media Hub - How many people can we cram into a shoebox building and just how far away from patch do reporters have to be not be laughed at for calling themselves local?

Sub-editors - Waste of money. Who needs to have a good looking paper that attracts the reader's eye when we can get the trainee reporters to slap it all up into a template?

Libel - An inevitability

Web Manager - An expert in cut and paste. Probably a journalist but not necessary

Stories - A rare beast sometimes seen in newsrooms but not actually necessary any more with the advent of emailed press releases

Pictures - Out of focus, badly framed, low res images sent in by utter idiots to highlight some awful shit that only they care about (see stories) Used to be taken by photographers.

Citizen journalism - A concept created by an utter twunt who probably worked in advertising before moving up the ranks to become a bean counting tosser (see stories and pictures)

Pay rises - As elusive as Lord Lucan. If McDonald's workers and cleaners can live on 12k a year what is your problem?

Newspapers - An inconvenient but necessary vehicle that global hyper mega corporations use to bleed local towns dry by claiming they care when they really couldn't give a shit.

Photographers -An unnecessary waste of money now that mobile phones take pictures. Who needs to see heads in pics anyway?

Internet - Like newspapers without the fussy printing, distribution and high cost base of newspapers. If only the greedy wankers could make real money out of it! (see web first) Great for porn.


  1. After chuckling at these, I was in stitches from the libel definition. Good work, if I think of any others, I'll post here.

  2. User-generated content - crappy name for what was once material like the readers' letters page. Now covers all unsubbed drivel, the tat lurking in the unsurprisingly barren regional newspapers' website forums, press releases directly uploaded, and masterpieces like 'Do U fancy a shag?' in story comments sections.
    User-generated content is particularly popular with OCD single agenda loonies and, ultimately, is going to 're-engineer the multimedia platforms' and consequently save the regional press world. At least that's what my MD told me (and the four reporters who lost their jobs).

  3. The Fifth Yorkshireman20 January 2010 at 10:07

    New Digital Strategy - "Our MD is obsessed with the web even though we know its the route to financial disaster. So we'll keep spunking our wedge on new websites until we shrivel up and die."

  4. Press deadline: Arbitrary time set to finish the week's paper edition and leave journalists with no idea what time they can actually have lunch while they wait for last page to be proofed.

  5. User Generated Content (in my office specifically) - A plan whereby reporters are convinced to encourage people to send in their own stories and pictures via the website, until there is enough content that all reporters can be made redundant and people's own stories can go in untouched by human hand. Saves a fortune until the paper is sued -see LIBEL

  6. Two more -
    ERHG - sounds like someone puking but stands for Early Righthand Guaranteed. Means an ad rep has sold a 6 cols by 28cms deep ad for £75 to a lapdancing club that MUST go on page 3 or 5. By tradition, the ad manager tells the editor this is a new client, it's needed to hit targets, the rep worked really hard and, in any case, the local MD has already approved it, so waste your time objecting if you like.

    Managing change - widespread management speak, used specifically in the regional press to cover getting rid of subs and making as many reporters as possible redundant.